you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
