man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So many bounce houses so little time
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
