Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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