Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
