I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
