i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
