Ketchup is God's man juice
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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