oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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