the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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