Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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