I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize