i may or may not be watching the land before time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I touched a dick in church today
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
