Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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