Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
