I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Text me some of your sweat
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
