i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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