12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
