Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
