Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
