i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
