Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
