I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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