I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
