She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
