So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
