Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
