No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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