I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
