So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
