Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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