Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Vodka?
Forever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
