she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He felt like a one man threesome
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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