is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize