Pants 0. Shit 1.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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