good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Your dad touched me again.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
