I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm always down for nudity.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
