Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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