I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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