Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
