Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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