You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
