I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
