Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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