when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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