Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
