so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
