Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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