I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
