only if we run a train.
done.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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