if i can run in heels then i can drive
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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