All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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