Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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