I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
