i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
