He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
