im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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