Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
