Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
