There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
