and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
