I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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