You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So squirting runs in the family.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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